I always wondered why I would sometimes neglect or run away from any relationship that was giving more than I did. It just felt weird!! I would feel suspicious of possible notorious intentions or malicious objectives. So my solution would be to run away, silent treatment, or sabotage the relationship. So where does it come from? My Guess…
My Inner Child, Never Knew Unconditional Love!!
So, how do we define a Lack of parents’ unconditional love?
Mary Beth Fox says, “You might wonder if your parents offered unconditional love, and that’s okay. It’s common for love to be passed down, and if your parents didn’t receive it, they might not have known how to give it. While parents ideally provide unconditional love, the cycle can be hard to break. The good news is that you can learn to spot signs of conditional love and choose how to move forward in your relationships and healing journey. The following signs your Parents’ Love was Conditional:
- You spent a lot of time trying to meet the needs of your parents and others.
- You felt loved when you accomplished something your parents could brag about.
- You felt unlovable when you disappointed your parents.
- You worked hard not to need anything from your parents.
So what are the effects of lack of unconditional love?
Fear of disappointing others:
According to Mary Beth Fox, People often feel disappointment in their achievements (or lack thereof) as adults because of their childhood experiences. If a child receives love only for accomplishments, they grow up valuing self-worth based on what they do. This fear of disapproval translates into adulthood, where people might dread disappointing others in their relationships or jobs. Looking back, these anxieties might seem blown out of proportion, but it stems from a belief system where love is conditional on being perfect.
Children Meeting Needs of Parents for Love
You describe your childhood experience of seeking your mom’s love, even if it meant doing things to earn it rather than receive it freely. You bought her candy and organized the kitchen, actions you connected with her showing approval. You question if others relate to this pattern of seeking conditional love in childhood, suggesting it might carry over into adult relationships where people prioritize pleasing others over themselves.
Love and Self-Worth Tied to Accomplishments
I would always try my best to achieve accomplishments to receive praise as the only way to assure love is received especially how proud she was telling everyone how smart I was. Unfortunately, if I fail or didn’t achieve the success she was hoping, It shows in her ( actions or facial gestures, I knew she wasn’t happy with it).
This was a clear memory for me illustrating that I was missing unconditional love. You felt unlovable when you disappointed your parents.
Not Having Needs from Others
A strong indicator of a lack of unconditional childhood love is the subconscious drive to become self-sufficient. Many adults I see in therapy subconsciously believe they must avoid needing anything from others, especially loved ones. This stems from a perception, formed in childhood, that needing help makes them a burden.
This belief likely arose from experiences where a parent showed frustration or withheld affection when their needs took away from the parent’s wants. A child interprets this as them being unlovable when they need something. This pattern of self-sufficiency then carries over into adulthood, creating difficulties in forming healthy, dependent relationships.
I remember during my University years, I would avoid asking for extra money for any reason even if it was for food, I always thought of how proud my parents would be that I wasn’t a financial burden and that my other brothers needs were met. Even now I am still overwhelmed with how proud I acted, but I always justified it as being a good son but never linked it due to my lack of unconditional love as a child, I just realized it now!
The feeling of not needing anyone and being totally independent
People who believe needing help is a sign of weakness might have grown up with unconditional love. As children, they may have learned that their needs pushed caregivers away. This fear of rejection translates into adulthood, making them resist help from partners, friends, and colleagues.
Accepting Toxic Relationships
Children who grow up in toxic environments necessarily accept unhealthy environments as ‘normal’ By attempting to cope by “rationalizing the irrational”, eventually become comfortable “AKA at home” in similar situations in the future. As the child will mature into an adult who unconsciously craves the familiar, comfortably uncomfortable toxic dynamics of childhood. The now-adult will unconsciously choose friends and partners who seem palatable and even healthy yet ultimately perpetuate the negative patterns witnessed and lived in childhood.
Extreme Sensitivity
The lack of unconditional love as child tends to develop extreme sensitivity. This vulnerability stems from a deep-seated fear of rejection, causing them to be overly attuned to perceived disapproval or criticism. They may become easily hurt by minor slights or misinterpret neutral interactions as signs of abandonment, leading to social anxiety and difficulty forming secure attachments. The parents might have:
(invalidate a child’s experiences, do not model healthy emotional sensitivity or ignore the importance of emotional regulation and processing)
Attachment Issues:
A child deprived of unconditional love in their early years may develop attachment issues, leading to difficulties with trust and intimacy. This can manifest as emotional distance, a fear of abandonment, or a constant need for validation. They might struggle to build healthy relationships as adults, unsure of how much love they deserve or how to give it freely.
Difficulties navigating boundaries
Children learn healthy boundaries through consistent, loving relationships. When unconditional love is absent, it can be difficult to understand and set boundaries in adulthood. This can lead to people-pleasing behaviors or becoming overly rigid, making it hard to have fulfilling connections and leaving them vulnerable to being taken advantage of.
Sabotaging relationships
A childhood deprived of unconditional love can leave a lasting imprint, leading to insecurities about being worthy of love in adulthood. This can manifest as self-sabotage in relationships, pushing away partners who get too close, picking fights to unconsciously test their devotion, or creating distance through fear of abandonment, ultimately fulfilling a subconscious belief that love is conditional and fleeting.
A childhood lacking unconditional love can cast a long shadow on adult relationships. Without that secure foundation of acceptance, a person may struggle to believe they are worthy of love, leading to a fear of intimacy and a constant need for validation. This can manifest in a variety of ways, from pushing partners away just as things get serious to clinging to unhealthy relationships for fear of being alone. They may also misinterpret normal conflict as rejection, triggering insecurities and making it difficult to build trust and navigate challenges together.
Suspicions in unconditional Relationships
People who didn’t experience unconditional love as children can carry that insecurity into their adult relationships. Because their self-worth was tied to their actions, they doubt if love is ever truly permanent. This makes them hypersensitive to any sign of disapproval from their partner, misinterpreting frustration as a withdrawal of affection and constantly seeking reassurance. Even when they find a loving partner, this lack of trust can manifest as suspicion. They might be constantly on guard, misinterpreting minor disagreements or a busy week as signs of fading love, which can create a suffocating atmosphere through their need for reassurance. Ironically, this suspicion can push the very partner they love away, fulfilling their fear of abandonment.
Narcissist Attachment
Children who grow up without unconditional love, often due to narcissistic parents, may be more susceptible to being drawn to narcissistic partners in adulthood, unconsciously recreating a familiar dynamic. They may crave the narcissist’s attention and validation, mirroring the unmet needs of childhood. However, the cyclical pattern of love-bombing followed by devaluation can be familiar, creating a confusing yet oddly comfortable dynamic for someone who craved love with strings attached as a child. Unfortunately, these relationships are unlikely to provide the genuine love and acceptance they seek, often leading to a cycle of disappointment and emotional manipulation.
Self Isolation
The experience of self-isolation in adulthood can trigger echoes of a childhood lacking unconditional love. Children thrive on the knowledge that they are loved regardless of their mistakes or shortcomings. When this security is absent, they may internalize a sense of being unworthy or unlovable. This belief can linger into adulthood, making them prone to social withdrawal and self-isolation. Social interactions, already fraught, become a minefield where rejection feels inevitable. They may retreat into isolation, a place where they feel some semblance of control and avoid the risk of being shut out yet again.
ADHD Influences
Lacking of unconditional love may lead to a struggle with self-esteem and emotional regulation, both of which can exacerbate ADHD symptoms. A child with ADHD who feels their love is contingent on good behavior may experience increased anxiety and frustration, potentially worsening focus and hyperactivity.
Panic Attack
The intense fear and physical sensations of a panic attack can be rooted in early experiences of insecurity. Children who grow up without unconditional love from their caregivers may develop a deep-seated fear of abandonment or rejection. This can manifest as an underlying anxiety that triggers a panic attack when faced with situations that feel similar to that emotional neglect.
For example, someone who craved a parent’s approval as a child might experience a panic attack during a performance review at work, fearing they won’t be good enough. The overwhelming emotions and physical symptoms of the panic attack then reinforce the fear, creating a cycle that can be difficult to break without understanding the root cause.
Self Harm
The experience of not receiving unconditional love in childhood can leave a deep mark. A child who craves acceptance and affection but feels constantly judged or unseen might turn to self-harm as a way to communicate their pain. The physical act of self-harm can provide a sense of control and a release of overwhelming emotions. It might also trigger a reaction from those around them, a desperate attempt to get someone to acknowledge their suffering. However, it’s important to understand that self-harm isn’t a cry for attention in a manipulative way. It’s a cry for help, a plea for connection and love in a language born from deep emotional wounds.
So What is the solution?
- learning & understanding your triggers
- engaging in inner child work & healing and validating your inner child
- practicing self-care and self-love
- practicing setting boundaries
- using your past to learn what you do and don’t want in life
- journaling or reading interactive self-help books
- positively reframing internalized beliefs (e.g., “I am an unloved daughter” to “I deserve love as an adult”)
- building community in support groups with folks who share similar experiences
- being patient and kind to yourself through the healing process
- participating in individual or group therapy
My Personal Perspective:
I still can’t accept unconditional love from anyone. I only see and feel familiar ground in a conditional love relationship and I constantly seek validation. I fear failure, I Struggle with asking for help, I isolate myself from everyone, and this is all sabotaging all my connections. I think I need therapy! I started treating my ADHD but I still think I need more time.
Sources
- Mary Beth Fox, Missing Love as a Child (4 Signs Your Parents’ Love Was Conditional). https://www.notgoodenoughstuff.com/missing-love-conditional-love-as-child
- Morgan Mandriota, How Being Unloved in Childhood May Affect You as an Adult. https://psychcentral.com/health/unloved-in-childhood-common-effects-on-your-adult-self
